I’ve been being prodded to continue my writings.  Here as well as other places but with the request actually coming from Kathleen I felt this is one of the places I should definitely start to revive.  I have left a lot of things very undone.  I have mentioned Lulu many times but never managed to have an entry dedicated to her, which can only be seen as a disservice at best and a direct rejection at worst.  It is, in my eyes a failure of mine on a part of the woman I love so dearly.  This blog may have started out as something for me to spurn me on with writing and to allow me to express something so very important to me but the truth is it quickly became more than that.

The good news is, it’s easy enough to remedy this situation and just show up here a little bit and write some entries. It’s not like there isn’t anything to write about. Hell I have a new personality, well new to me at least I’m finding out she’s been around for a long time but is just now showing up to me,, has arisen.  For a teaser, her name is Sunshine.

At any rate I would say it’s my goal to get one to two entries written a month. If you follow this blog and are reading this…feel free to message me to keep me going. I don’t even necessarily think you need to be kind in the encouraging, a swift kick in the ass sometimes works just as well for me.

No matter though, I will tell you in my most sincerest…Thanks for reading.

I never really complete anything I start and this blog is just another prime example of that. I suppose one could say that a blog like this is never complete or never incomplete as I could show up here anytime and post something….kind of like I’m doing now. Still there is this idea that I started this blog and then haven’t posted in almost a years time. That feels kind of abandoned. I have posted some blog entries on a couple of other places that I write that are completely unrelated to Tanya and I but even that’s not a lot of writing for a year times.

As an update though Tanya and I are doing pretty well. A couple of weeks ago I would have told you that the agoraphobia is still a strong issue but since (literally) 4 days ago she’s been driving and doing very well on that front. Hell I would say that even her transitions have been fewer the last 4 days as well. It’s really nice to have Tanya around so much. She’s been dieting, walking and working on being healthier which I applaud. Now for the past week to 10 days she’s been sick so all that’s kind of gone to the wayside but even this morning as I write this she is outside sweeping our courtyard area and already being more active than she has been in the past week so that’s a good thing. She’ll be back to walking and such very soon I am certain. She was really enjoying it and liked the changes she saw in herself while she was doing it.

Anyway, not a lot to write here at this point  but thought I’d put up a little entry to say we are still here and doing well. Maybe this will motivate me to come back and tell you more about my Tanya. I don’t know if it will or not we will just have to wait and see.

There is a downside sometimes.

Posted: November 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

To date most of my posts have been talking about and introducing personalities or individual hurdles that we face in our day to day life. I feel for the most part I’ve managed to take even the tough situations I’ve spoken about and shine a cute or funny light on them. The post about the hair cut situation had a heavy side but that dealt mainly with Kathleen and we as adults tend to give some level of passing glance to it because she is an adult and can deal with it better, even me. Still there are instances that occur with the children (Cubbie and Lulu) that, quite honestly just break my heart.

Tanya’s birthday is in October which is probably why I have this in my brain right now, it’s still fresh. Our daughters are both 20 years old now so for the past couple years we have not had regular visitation as we had while they were in high school. On occasion we’ve been able to get her daughter at the same time we get her son allowing them to visit each other but it’s been a long time since we’ve had all 3 children in the house at the same time. On her birthday though we managed just that and what a great day it was.

We didn’t really do much for her birthday in fact one of Tanya’s biggest joys is from cooking for and feeding people. Everyone loves the donairs that she makes so she decided she would fix those for everyone. Her favorite cake is a black forest cake and well store bought black forest cakes just aren’t that good. That means on her birthday Tanya spent most of her day cooking and baking for her own birthday. Kind of an odd way to spend your day but it really did make her glow being in there working to feed the people she loved the most.

We already had her son for visitation and her daughter arrived with her boyfriend mid afternoon. I had to pick my daughter up after work so we really just got together to hang out as a group by about 4pm. We had dinner of delicious donairs, ate cake, Tanya opened a few presents and other than that we just hung out and talked. It was a very satisfying evening for everyone and you could tell just by looking at Tanya that she was oh so happy having all of our family there together again for the first time years. It was good.

I ended up taking my daughter home (she did get her license and has a car now but at that time she didn’t so I was still driving her around a bit) and headed back to our place. Everyone was settling in with the kids setting up beds and what not. Tanya and I retired to our room and pretty much instantly Cubbie made her appearance. At first there’s nothing special about it and I put on Cinderella for her to watch and things are going to go smoothly I think. Then it’s as if the memories began to seep into her consciousness. It felt like a paper cup from a fast food place that has been sitting for too long and the condensation on the outside builds and builds until the puddle on the table, becoming a pool.

It starts with seeing birthday balloons which we brought into the bedroom to get them out of the way.

“I want bloon.” Cubbie said. Now imagine a pin prick in the soft papery side of that cup and the liquid inside just spilling out. That’s how I could see the information flooding into her mind and the look on her face deteriorating into longing and sadness. “I want cake, I want to go to the party too…” and the tears came. Not just moistened cheeks she sobbed. I had to scoop her up into my arms and bury her face into my neck and shoulder to stifle the sounds so her kids wouldn’t hear how upset she was. “I want the party with everyone.”

All of the personalities have a realization of what they are. They recognize that they are only part of a whole but they still, as anyone would, count themselves as distinct individuals. Cubbie is old enough to have figured out that most all of our time is spent just her and I together. This is mainly due to her frequently coming out late at night when we are going to bed but she misses interaction with other people. There have been times when Cubbie has come out during visitation with her son and while I am at work. She loves that because she gets to interact with “the boy” as she calls him. He is perfect with her and usually fixes her food, watches movies with her or reads books to her. They both seem to have a very rewarding experience from it. Aside from this however there is very little interaction for her to have with any other human beings and she misses that.

Compound that with the knowledge that there was a party right here in our house with the people she knows we love, special food, cake made just for it and presents to open. What six year old would have been okay with missing out on all those festivities? It breaks my heart for her but this is just the most recent of events.

We have a family that lives here in the apartment complex we live in. They have two kids and a third on the way. The little girl who will soon be the middle child gets to play outside frequently as her mom sits in a chair with her and lets her ride her little tricycle. The girl is cute, downright gorgeous in fact but she has a very high pitched squeal that she shrieks off and on the whole time she is out playing. I tend to ignore it but after awhile it can get on Tanya’s nerves and if we have the windows open we have to shut them to drown it out.

Cubbie came out a few months back and we were sitting on the couch. She was playing Plants Vs. Zombies on the laptop as she loves to do to pass time when we heard the little girl. Again the memories of the girl are there for Cubbie to take from Tanya even if Cubbie herself hasn’t seen the girl.

She looks up at me knowingly with big bright eyes and a huge smile on her face. “Can I go play with her?”

How do you go about telling this excited little girl in the 40 year old woman’s body that people don’t and won’t understand that she’s not the child she feels she is. As I’ve proven with this blog we don’t hide the situation but at the same time we haven’t actively gone door to door to introduce ourselves “Hi we are your neighbors, mind if we tell you about the condition she has?” like some sort of mental diagnosis mormon missionaries spreading the news. She wanted so badly to just be able to go and play with another child. Still I had to say no to her and try my best to help her realize that others would not “get it.”  She took the news as best she could I would say and managed only to well up glassy eyes but not fully cry at this one. I tried to engage her quickly and play a board game with her which seemed to work in that instance and took her mind off of the situation.

I do try my best to not keep her cooped up at the house mind you. I take her out shopping and let her see the world and buy things. In fact I try and make it a practice to let all the alters have a chance to go out and eat in a restaurant and go shopping and purchase items just for themselves. This act alone however has it’s challenges besides the obvious one of they all do have the agoraphobia feelings.

We were in Target one time and passing by us was a young father with one of those handheld shopping baskets. In the basket was his toddler and he held the basket in both hands from the bottom to properly support it. You could see the little girl loved being in the basket and felt safe in her daddy’s hands. Cubbie wanted me to carry her in a basket like that. While she knows she is part of Tanya she often times doesn’t grasp that she isn’t still small and child like too. She has asked me to buy her dresses from the little girl section and when I explain and why we can’t I get a disheartened “Maybe tomorrow.” and you can tell it’s her way knowing she once again doesn’t get what she wanted.

Probably the worst situation however dealt with a photograph. Tanya’s mom passed away about 7 years ago. Interestingly enough the passing of our parents is one of the first things that Tanya and I really connected on. Neither of us deal with death very well at all and I was still reeling from the passing of my father. To this day I’m still pretty messed up about it even though all my siblings have moved on and can have light hearted and joyous memories of dad, I still can not. Even the slightest thought (like writing this here) fills my heart with pain and I feel my throat closing up, the warmth behind my eyes. Tanya for years felt the same about her mother’s passing yet all her siblings seem to grieve and move on like normal people seem to do.

Still for this time period it was imperative that there be no pictures of mom on the walls of our house. I accommodated this by putting the pictures in the high top corner of our closet. Now and again Tanya would ask for the pictures to test the waters and see if she was ready for them. It wasn’t too long ago this took place and for whatever reason one picture of mom got left down. I think she was going to try and put up that one picture but I can’t be certain of that.

As you can imagine when Cubbie came out and saw the picture on a table in our living room she was flooded with sorrow. Not in fact because her mother had passed no it was much worse than that. You see Cubbie is a little girl in her mind. She has all those memories of being a little girl right there and that’s her present sense. She feels like she is living in the mid to late 1970’s.

“I wanna go home and see mom.” The depth of her cry was overwhelming. It was different than other tears. It was longing and sadness all in one. She just wanted to go to what she identifies as her little girl home. She wanted to see her mom who in her mind was there doing laundry and getting dinner ready.

She’s asked about going home to mom before, this story was just the most recent. I don’t even have a clue how I should handle it. I’ve yet to tell Cubbie her mom has passed away I just tell her that she lives with me now and I’m going to take care of her. She loves me and this helps but it never consoles her.

There are other things that walk these lines for us and it bridges between both Cubbie and Lulu. They want to go outside and play in the snow when it gets cold. Trouble is we live in Florida. There are stores they want to go to that I can only assume are back home that are memories they are pulling up. I don’t seem to have the tools in my toolbox to bring understanding to them. These are heavy situations that as I stated above breaks my heart for them. I love these girls and I have no method at all to make them feel better in these moments of sorrow. I get so much joy from experiencing the child side of my girlfriends life something nearly no one else gets to do with their significant others but it comes with a price tag. It’s not always easy. There are downsides sometimes.


Just when you think the waters are all calm and steady things come along and rock the boat. Then you think to yourself is rocking the boat a bad thing after all? Perhaps it’s not but you just kind of find yourself getting use to the steady and rhythmic back and forth, You feel comfortable and like things are working they way they should. Perhaps you felt you were headed in the right direction but actually needed a nudge at the bow in the direction you were really suppose to be going in the first place. Then again it might be simply that you are traveling towards your destination and it’s time to speed the trip up with some back wind.

For Tanya and I the latter is what I feel recently happened. Allow me dear blog reader to back track a bit. The new phenomenon as it were started with mail arriving. Packages in fact from vendors on Amazon that no one could account for. This was not a big alarm to me as Tanya has quite an extensive wish list and well Kathleen has been known to order some things from time to time. The items in question were clearly from her wish list and usually very low priced items so it really was no big deal. The odd thing on the other hand was the appearance of grape soda cans, empty I might add, appearing around the house. We have a soda machine in the laundry room here at the apartment complex and yes that very brand of grape soda is housed there so where they were coming from was not much a of mystery. We have a rather large Hello Kitty coffee mug which is usually about half filled with quarters for laundry day and all the personalities know about that so accessibility is not an issue either.  The question then was who was bringing them in the house?

Tanya and Kathleen both wouldn’t bother with it as it’s not a diet soda and they both would only partake of it as a treat if it were in fact diet. Lulu (who you will be hearing about soon enough) is too frightened to leave the house for any reason much less go get a soda by herself so by deduction that left Cubby. Now this was odd because I’ve taught Cubby that she needs to have me with her to leave the house unless it’s an emergency. Think of Cubby as though she were a latch-key kid, she knows to be inside safe and sound if I’m not around. The thing is these soda cans seemed to be appearing late at night.

Often times after I’ve gone to bed Tanya will stay up. If she transitions whoever she becomes eventually comes to lie down with me. It’s a pretty common pattern we’ve learned to accept and have become accustomed to. That’s all fine and dandy but I was kind of upset at the idea that Cubby, who doesn’t always know what is appropriate might be traveling from out house to the laundry room at three in the morning. I mean she could get up with just her pajama bottoms on (yes that means totally topless as she likes to be most of the time) and decide that was the right time to go get that “grape pop” she wants. My intentions were to question her and find out if she’s the one who’s been going out. Trouble is Cubby hadn’t been showing up much lately meaning I had no access to her to simply inquire about it.

Fast forward a week or so and Tanya and I were in the kitchen fixing dinner together a not too common occurrence as usually only one of us will cook and more often than not I get to be treated like a king while my beautiful woman fixes food for me. To be in the kitchen together is not all that odd but to both be working on a particular dish together was unusual. We certainly had a good day up to this point having managed a small trip out to the grocery store, played a board game and were now fixing dinner with intent to watch a movie that evening.

A siren outside.

We had the windows and front door open to allow the beautiful weather in. I’m now programmed to check on Tanya’s status when I hear a siren.

She looks different. My mind races. Is she still Tanya? Is she just shaken up by it?

“I’m ok.” she says without me asking but doesn’t even begin to look it.

Trying to roll with it though I press ahead and try and get her back into cooking dinner. I prod her to get back to what she was doing and a look of confusion briefly flashes on her face. It’s the kind of look the average person wouldn’t think twice about as it was there and gone so quickly, so skillfully that it almost wasn’t there at all. She looks at her hands to see what tools she held. A knife and a carrot. She looks at the cutting board and sees chopped carrot and begins to cut. Had this been an ordinary day when we were not working together on dinner she could have pulled this off. I would be sitting on the couch, seeing her and hearing her cut carrots. As we were working together however I notice she doesn’t cut carrots at all like Tanya. In fact she’s cutting carrots slowly but not cautiously and there is the real deviation. I put my hand on hers to stop her and she looks up at me. What was that in her eyes, was that a glimmer of worry I saw?

“Are you Tanya?”

“Yes” she answers but it’s the way she answers. I know it annoys Tanya to no end when I ask her if she is Tanya or not but every time she answers I know it’s her. This answer was nowhere near the manner Tanya responds to the question with. I knew it wasn’t her and asked if she was Kathleen.

Confusion and no response is all I got which inevitably meant she wasn’t Kathleen either. It wasn’t one of the children as they would never have started using a knife and in all honesty would have shrunk down in stature by now as well as acknowledged me as Bear. I was standing here, looking at my girlfriend who at this point was someone totally new to me.

I have to be honest and let you know that I felt a wave of excitement with this revelation.  Then I felt guilt for being excited.

It’s one thing I think to embrace this woman’s condition and love every part of her but isn’t it a completely different thing, a selfish thing, a horribly self-indulgent and narcissistic reaction for me to have? What does this make me if I harbor these feelings when I see her change like this? As you can see I still struggle with this as it’s a true feeling I had and it’s been a couple months now since this event.

Turns out this personality seems to be a young teenage girl. Like the others she doesn’t identify herself as Tanya but has found that she can mimic Tanya with great success. To the point that to most people she is just Tanya who is maybe not feeling well that day. She is extra quiet and extremely modest. The last part there I feel is because she remembers every bit of the abuse. She doesn’t want her flesh to be seen or touched in any manner that could even remotely be deemed as inappropriate. That my friends is a first for any of the personalities indeed.

We spent the rest of the night just getting acquainted which means mostly sitting quietly watching TV talking a bit and resolving a few things. Going to bed was the most difficult part of the evening as she did not want to sleep with me. At the same time I have this need to have that body in the bed next to me. It comforts me and allows me to sleep. I also use it as a monitoring method because Tanya can barely stir at all without waking me and as I don’t know this new personality I need to know if she decides to wander off. This makes getting her into bed mandatory for me and closing the door to our bedroom so as to give me that one last alarm if she tries and slip off. I after all simply must get some sleep there is work in the morning and those tables at Chuy’s are not going to serve themselves.

I begin to talk to her about the other personalities and she lets me know that she understands what I am telling her even though she obviously doesn’t like it. “We all sleep together in the same bed, do you understand that?”

She nods that she does and slowly walks to the bed. I tuck her in and she pulls the covers up around her neck, effectively sealing herself in cocoon style. “You will not be touched in any sexual way tonight, I promise.”

Her eyes look terrified and doubtful.

“All those things Bob did to you are in the past and will never, ever happen to you again. I am here to protect you, not to hurt you. You don’t believe me do you?”

Her head slowly shakes back and forth almost guilt like. Perhaps she was afraid I would get mad and hurt her if she answered this honestly.

“That’s OK, you don’t have to believe me. It’s my responsibility to prove that to you. Cubby and Kathleen didn’t believe me at first either. They both doubted that I would be able to love them and not hurt them but I’ve taught them now who I really am. They have come to love me too. My goal is to have you love me just like they do and you will one day.” I lean down and kiss her forehead which causes her to shrink back into the pillow.

That was the last I saw of her for about a week. Cubby had made her return but she couldn’t tell me much about the new personality except that she “likes grape pop.” which I knew as it was part of the clearing things up conversations I had with her that night. Finally Kathleen shows up and I can get some questions answered. “Do you know about her?”

“I know she likes to buy things!” she says and rolls her eyes.

“Ahhhh so those packages were her ordering?”

“Yeah and the grape pop.”

“Well that part I knew. What else can you tell me about her?”

“Nothing really. I had hoped she was gone for good.”

“So she’s not a new personality?”

“Ummm no, but we have not seen her in years. I really thought she was gone.”

Well that was a wrinkle I had not expected nor was prepared for. At first there was relief that maybe I was off the hook inside for my reaction as this was not a new personality at all. It did not take my analytically based mind to rationale that I had in fact felt that excitement a week ago and that was real whether or not this was a new personality or just a returning one.

To sum up she appears every now and then. On her second visit I told her I needed a name for her. “If I’m going to acknowledge you as an individual then you need a name for me call you. No one has ever seen you as anyone but Tanya before have they?”

“No.” she simply murmured.

“Do you have a name? What should I call you?”

She shrugged and I knew she didn’t have a name to give me as she had never been addressed with anything all her own.

“Well that’s alright let’s figure out what fits you.” My mind began to reel yet again. Trying to come up with a name for this girl who was still quite unknown to me. I knew it had to be something that she would feel comfortable with. I’ve learned it had to be something important to her. There had to be a connection for her. Kathleen’s name worked as that was important to Tanya. Cubby worked because it was Tanya and I’s pet names for each other. Lulu worked too but I’ve not told you that story, so no spoilers yet. What could I propose that I felt comfortable with and she would adapt to.

“How about April?”

There was a twinkle in her eye with that. No shake of the head but no real acceptance either. Still that flash on her face told me I had made the right choice. You see, their mother was born in the month of April. It made sense that the name would work.

“Yeah I like that, it’s a beautiful name, just like you. I want to call you April is that alright with you?”

“Yeah.” she said and smiled.

“Well then, hello April, it’s nice to meet you.”

I now keep a case of grape soda in the house at all times. It’s April’s favorite treat. Others are allowed to have them too but the soda’s are really for April.

I Kissed the Frozen Sweetness

Posted: October 20, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I’ve learned in my years the value of what I define as a mantra. I say “what I define” because I don’t follow what is a traditional Sanskrit definition but my own take on the idea of it. To me a mantra is a phrase not merely a sound that if repeated over and over and believed then will become a part of who you are. My first personal revelation of this a mantra I worked into my first marriage in an effort to improve communication. It’s now, many years later, become a major part of my life. That particular mantra is as follows:

Never apologize for the words you speak, instead be prepared to live with the consequences of them.

The idea with this one is simply think about  what you are about to say to the person in front of you, on the other end of the phone, in that e-mail or even at an online forum before you make the words become reality. It seems to be human nature to want to rebutte as quickly as we can and often it does nothing but make matters worse. Further more even if you say you are “sorry” for having said that “in the heat of the moment” the truth is the words have been spoken and can’t be truly taken back. If they are never spoken and thought better of then there’s no need to ever apologize for what you said.

That’s a lot to write just to give an example yet an example is really all that is. That particular mantra of mine has nothing to do with this post I just wanted to illustrate one that has been implemented and become a core segment of my life.

This post is then about a mantra that I’m trying to get Tanya to focus on and work with. It’s here because I know she will read this post. If I write it perhaps she will even read it multiple times or even some of her alters will open the computer and read this post as well. That means that while I don’t mind any of you reading this post and hell it might even help some of you out there, this post is the first one that I am in fact writing specifically for my girlfriend and her betterment.

I’ve listened to this metal band from Finland called Amorphis for quite literally decades. True to their name they have changed styles of metal over the years but in the early 2000’s released 2 albums that are considered their most mellow, funky style ever. They are my personal favorite albums by the band as they are so unique to the metal world. It’s kind of a space-rock, groove music that I dubbed “Pink Floyd Metal” and most people agree when they hear it that’s it a fair assessment.

The two albums in question are titled Am Universum and Far From the Sun with the latter having a calm yet powerful song titled “Ethereal Solitude.” It’s a hauntingly loving song whose chorus to me has always felt like it was trying to talk someone out of suicide. Granted as with most art interpretation is mostly left up to the listener and there are no direct lines to that but I have known victims of suicide so I suggest it is that which has drawn my brain to these conclusions as I still struggle with the loss of dear friends (I love you Carl.)

Having met Tanya however I listen to the song in a very different light. I see the chorus as speaking directly to her. We ride in the car and sing along with this song with drive and passion trying to infuse the thoughts I have it into Tanya. I want her to hear the chorus and use it as an exercise machine to strengthen herself as well as an exorcise tool to free herself of the demons that she struggles with.  Here’s the chorus I am speaking about:

don’t let the past wear you down
let go of the life that haunts you tonight
don’t let the silence take the sound

I feel like this should be Tanya’s mantra but spoken in a first person manner instead. I feel if she could speak it to herself over and over again, if she could believe in the power of the words she is speaking to herself that it would slowly take root and grow within her. That she could let go of the past life that is without a doubt still haunting her to this and ever day. That in reality is what she is looking for on the road to recovery from DID. The symptoms of DID arise as a result of that past life and to this day there are acts that she and I can not participate in without thrusting her right back into those days of her abuse. I know it’s an “easier said than done” kind of thing and it’s a far cry from simply slowing down on responding to someone but dammit it can be a tool. Every tool you have is another little step in the right direction. I believe in a mantra and I hope you (Tanya) can implement this and work on being the woman I know you are inside. I love you darling.

Blackness falls on empty calmness
the night is full
I kissed the frozen sweetness
the mist around my grief

don’t let the past wear you down
let go of the life that haunts you tonight
don’t let the silence take the sound

alone and isolated
ethereal solitude
you can keep all your secrets
there’s no one to hold on to

don’t let the past wear you down
let go of the life that haunts you tonight
don’t let the silence take the sound

don’t let the past wear you down
let go of the life that haunts you tonight
don’t let the silence take the sound

Did you ever see the Matrix movies? Remember in the second film when Neo was in the train station and he met that program family who was smuggling their daughter program out of the matrix because she no longer had a function? What would it be like to be a person and know you did not serve a purpose any longer? What if you were restricted from life itself because events took place that were completely out of your control? Would you still be a person even if you never had a chance to be real?

Allow me to introduce you to Charlotte. Now that is a Danish name and is not pronounced like I being an American would think it to be pronounced. We tend to put a harsh ending on the name. You can hear is pronounced at the following website if you like: http://www.speakdanish.dk/en/phrases/0370-names.php ,  Charlotte is a Danish girl and she is one of Tanya’s alters.

Tanya met her first husband at home in Nova Scotia. He was a Danish national who was living there temporarily when they met. She moved to Denmark with him and they married. Having lived with Tanya as much as I have, I obtained a lot of information on her and how she reacts to different situations. Being in a new country, freshly married and soon to be pregnant when you have only a partial grasp of customs and even language would have been terrifying to her. She wouldn’t admit it of course and would try to put on a brave face and act as normal as she could. She would do everything in her power in public to look at normal and common place as possible. Still that fear that she would upset someone or offend or even just look like a tourist would be raging inside her.  What then does a person like Tanya do to cope with the situation at hand? Simply put she doesn’t and therein is the reason for Charlotte to exist.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have met Charlotte only 3 times and one of those was such a brief encounter that it hardly counts. Never the less those two occasions were, well, quite fun and without a doubt interesting. Charlotte was created within Tanya’s mind to take over in those situations where Tanya would feel awkward while living in Denmark. She is fully fluent in Danish and speaks it as quickly and smoothly as anyone speaks their native tongue. In fact she doesn’t speak English at all and that’s what made my encounters with her so interesting as I mentioned above.

I can not recall what triggered Tanya to transition the first time I got to met Charlotte but I knew instantly upon looking at her face that she was someone new. Tanya is a beautiful woman and smiles frequently but when she does she smiles in a small way if that makes sense. She will show teeth but overall the small mostly just a lifting in the corners of her mouth. Oh how I love to see that smile on her face. Charlotte however has the biggest, toothiest smile I’ve ever seen spread across a face and that first time I met her that is exactly what I saw as she turned around. I had never seen a smile so big on that face before.

“Well now, who are you?” I asked her knowing full well that I was meeting someone new.

“Jeg forstår dig ikke” she said back to me. I really had no idea what just came out of that mouth as I had pretty much never been exposed to spoken Danish before in my life. I kept trying to talk to her and find a name or any word that seemed to work with her but every time I spoke she would laugh, not giggle like Tanya tends to do but full on laugh and repeat the same phrase over at me. “Jeg forstår dig ikke”. “Jeg forstår dig ikke”.

It came to the point that verbally I just could not communicate with this person but her care free nature about herself was simply infectious. I pantomimed a hackneyed sign language with her about eating together and spending our evening together doing things. We didn’t do much as it was pretty late and bed was soon to be in our future and yes upon waking Tanya was back. I was so anxious to talk to Tanya and tell her about this girl I met.

“Do you speak any languages fluently other than English and  French?” I think I pretty much opened with that question as soon as we woke up. It confused Tanya and rightly so, who wakes up and tosses a question like that on their lover? I couldn’t help it.  I was excited to find out about this new person.

“I know some Danish from having lived over there but I wouldn’t say I was ever fluent.” she told me.  I explained to her what had transpired the previous night and she too seemed quite fascinated by it all. I attempted to repeat the words Charlotte had spoken to me over and over but I admit it, I’m a dumb American. The pronunciation had eluded me as the nights sleep was still foggy in my brain.

“Do you think it was ‘Jeg elsker dig’? Because that means ‘I love you’ in Danish” Tanya asked me.

“No but sort of, I mean it definitely wasn’t that phrase but something kind of like that” and I kept repeating my mish mash of what I thought she said now adding in the bits Tanya reminded me of. Until she finally said it.

“Do you mean ‘Jeg forstår dig ikke’?” she asked solemnly.

“YES! that’s it! What does it mean?” I asked her.

With a forelorn expression she rolled those big beautiful eyes up at me and tearing up as she said “It means ‘I don’t understand you.'”

Tanya had hoped that her love for me would spread through to all the alters now that I was getting along with Kathleen. Such was not the case which makes perfect sense to me so I comforted Tanya before talking to her more about the encounter. I also made Tanya teach me to pronounce “Jeg elsker dig” pretty well.

I should state here and now that at this point I did not know Charlotte’s name. We were unable to communicate at all and if she did attempt to tell me her name it was lost on me a) what she was saying and b) that it was her name. I came to know her name several years after having met her.

The second time she came out was one of the most fascinating transitions, if you can even call it such, that I’ve ever seen or been a part of with Tanya. Cubbie had been out most of the afternoon and finally got tired and laid down on the bed. As Cubbie does when lays down she took most of her clothes off with the exception of her underwear and laid down on the bed insisting that I join her. I did so and put on the TV to give me something to do and it wasn’t but a minute or two before she began to sleep. I let her sleep for 10 minutes or so and then it came to me. I began to whisper “Jeg elsker dig” softly into her ear. Over and over again. “Jeg elsker dig” as correctly as I could muster the words, which given my ability to speak a language was probably only marginal. I can’t say why it popped into my head to do this but her eyes opened and an unmistakable smile spread across her face.

A smile at first yes but it quickly changed to more of smirk as she recognized me then realized she was naked, in bed and in my arms. Let’s face it this was a woman who had only met me one other time and now I’ve her in my bed and she definitely had that look of WTF but not in a pissed off sort of way.

“Jeg elsker dig” I said to her. It was not repeated and I can understand that too but the smirk disappeared and that full fledged smile returned. We spent the rest of the night with her trying to teach me Danish words, raw vocabulary as I would point to something and she would simply tell me what it was. It was fun and I began to make up my own Danish in a way and asking if that’s what something was called. Mainly is consisted of me either gargling the word out in English or adding a “ska” to the end of it. I even pointed to her naked breast asked “Boobska” which sent her into quite  a fit of giggles before she could correct me with “bryst.” We had a fun and relaxing evening though and that was the last time I really got to see her. It’s been at least 4 years gone by now perhaps 5 and she has never made a resurfacing. I have tried that trick of whispering in her ear while she sleeps off a transition to try and coax Charlotte out again but it’s only been successful that one time.

I’ve put a bit of thought into Charlotte and came to the conclusions I did about why she exists. What I struggled with more was why I don’t see her any more. When I did get to meet her our relationship was still new and we had just barely got to grips with the idea that Tanya had different personalities. We did not even have the DID diagnosis yet. I suspect I got to meet her in the first place simply because the act of becoming someone else triggered the awkward feeling similar to what Tanya would feel when she lived in Denmark and was not able to easily speak or interact with the Danish nationals. In that moment when she knew she was changing, she would feel that uneasiness that she use to feel and out came Charlotte to take the reigns. Obviously the second encounter was coerced by myself but it was literally only a couple days after the first time. I feel like I don’t get to see this person because Tanya is more comfortable with the idea of DID and transitioning. Just like when she moved back to Canada from Denmark upon divorcing her ex-husband there simply was no need for Charlotte and therefore no surfacing of her. No one in Tanya’s past (that she is aware of I should say) has ever made mention of her speaking another language.

That brings me to the opening paragraph of this entry.  When I think about Charlotte now I feel saddened by her existence or perhaps lack thereof. Is she still in there? I know that Kathleen can hear me when I talk to Tanya, I know that Kathleen and Cubbie can in fact interact while Tanya is Tanya. Is Charlotte in there somewhere too but just doesn’t have any ability to be herself? Does she feel like a prisoner or is she simply asleep? I have no answers to these questions but only a heavy heart and troubled mind when I think about her. I have been wanting to write this entry next and I think it’s because of the content of it that has helped me make decisions that kept me “too busy” to write. I try to actively not think about her. Every bit of this is so far out of my control to do anything about and I am just left wondering uselessly about them.  Perhaps now that I have managed to get this one behind me I can get back to more frequent posting.

As Tanya will certainly read this I am going to close with this and it’s not meant for anyone but that girl that is lost inside her brain I hope the message being read by an English fluent person will imbed and be understood by her:

Thank you Charlotte for our couple of times together. It was wonderful meeting you. Perhaps one day we can travel to Denmark, your home, together and you will be able to come out again. Just like I feel about all the others Charlotte, Jeg elsker dig.


Do I look different to you?

Posted: October 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

Hey so it’s been awhile right? Sorry about that. I can honestly say that there are real life reasons that have taken me away from writing more yet at the same time it’s been a series of things that have used to keep me away from here. I even talk about this in the very next blog post and hopefully the drought of posts is ended though only time can tell for certain. 

Probably not a shocking post for anyone who is familiar with DID but for those who may be reading and wondering what it’s like from day to day to deal with little intricacies of the condition it might shed a bit of light.

When I first met Tanya she was beautiful and stunning. She had short medium brown hair with blonde highlights. Cute as a button and that’s one of those expressions I never understood, I mean how is a button cute? Regardless of the aesthetic properties of a plastic shirt fastener she was cute. Early on in relationships it’s not uncommon to tailor oneself to suit the preferred tastes of the other person. It may not be so in every relationship but let’s face it we like approval and we like to please the person of interest. I have an affinity towards darker hair so it wasn’t long before Tanya began to dye her hair darker shades and lost the highlights. With her fair complexion the dark hair suits her so well.

Sometime later we were discussing hair styles and she told me that her hair simply would not grow past shoulder length. That it just stopped growing. Nothing sounded sillier to me than hair just stopping to grow but she insisted. I held fast that if she worked with is she could in fact have quite long hair. She agreed but I think at that point she still felt like she was going to win the bet. After months of letting it grow it got to the point where it was about where she indicated her hair would not exceed. Months after that it was, well as you suspect longer than that. Months more it was even longer, in fact the longer we let her hair grow the more her hair in fact grew. Turns out it was just a simple case of she usually got tired or bored of her hair and cut it short again. She was now having fun with it being long though and let it get quite lengthy nearly down to her waist. She would take a shower and come out to me on the couch and sit in front of me and hand me her brush. I would watch TV and brush her hair out while she sat there with me.

I can’t say how long it had been for certain but at some point she came to me and asked if she could cut her hair short again. I told her what I always did when this topic came up. “It’s your hair darling, do what you like with it. Just be happy with your hair. It is only hair and will grow back after all if you hate it short.”

With the decision made it took us quite some time to get to the point where she had the courage to go and get the hair cut. This was the first time in her life she had hair this long and it felt like a tremendous decision. Still she was mostly use to shorter hair and felt she would be more creative with a different cut so I encouraged her to go get it done when she felt the time was right.

The day came and she went to get her hair lopped off which was all fine and dandy we started with making it about that shoulder length cut so it was removing easily fourteen to sixteen inches of hair. Quite the lopping off indeed. Hair was lighter and cooler and even though she didn’t get the cut she wanted her daughter came to visit and took scissors to her and fixed it up very nicely. Tanya was now pretty happy with her hair for all intents and purposes.

That night however Cubbie showed up, reached her hand behind her back and began to sob. Not temper tantrum cry like a kid might if she didn’t get her way, but deep down bawling her eyes out like she had lost her stuffed monkey (you guys haven’t learned about monkey yet) and I had ripped her heart out. Turns out Cubbie had loved having the long hair and would play with it. Instantly I flashed in my head images of Cubbie leaning her head back and softly rolling her head back and forth feeling the long hair tickle her back and that huge grin she would have on her face while she did so. I recalled her grabbing the end of it and pulling it around to her face and making a mustache. I remembered many occasions laying on the bed next to Cubbie as she would pick the hair up and place it on my bald head giving me hair and giggling. Yes Cubbie loved her long hair and was now heart broken to find it gone.

Fast forward to a few days ago when Tanya’s hair has been growing out for awhile since that time and we are at the point now where she’s been talking about cutting it again, now for about 3 months. As it’s August and hot as balls out there it’s really not a bad idea to help keep her cool and comfortable. I don’t get Tanya “out and about” much these days due to the agoraphobia so I have to make the most of our outings and still meter her reactions to going places. At any point in the day it can instantly be “time to go home” and we pretty much have to end our day then and there.

“I want to go somewhere.” I tell her and just start driving.

“Where are we going?”

“I want to go check out something at Barnes & Noble”


“Just don’t worry about it OK, I want to browse a bit.”

That may have been a bit harsh but it shut her up for as she lay in the back seat on her boyfriend pillow hiding from the fact that she is in the car riding around. Took me longer to park than I had counted on as it was back to school week here in Gaiensville and the college students where everywhere. I was about to give up but then I found a space. We got out of the car and walked briskly towards the bookstore. As we approached the door I steered her past it and down one store front to the next door, opened the door without her noticing it was a Hair Cuttery and thrust her inside.

“I’m being kidnapped” she quipped at the girl at the counter.

For a moment I thought the girl was not going to let us get her hair cut as Tanya had laid it down that she didn’t want to have her hair cut and I was looking like that creepy boyfriend who makin’ his woman fix her hair the way he wann’ed it to be fixed. (Implied deep southern accent was attempted in that last sentence, I hope it came out like that and apologies to those with southern accents that aren’t creepy boyfriends.) After explaining and Tanya reluctantly agreeing that she did indeed want her hair cut but was just putting it off, she put us down.

The experience was tense this time she was really hesitant and after waiting about fifteen minutes began to plead with me to leave. Thinking back on it now I wonder if maybe Cubbie wasn’t in there somewhere begging for us not to cut her hair again but it didn’t cross my mind at that time.

We discussed styles and yes again I told her anything she wanted would be wonderful and that I would love it.

“You must be married!” the new girl at the counter commented when I said this. Humph. That’s really the best you got funny girl? Granted I drop some cheesy lines as a server in a restaurant too but I don’t interject them when they aren’t pointed right at me, but I digress.

We pretty much narrowed it down to a medium length off the shoulder deal but we couldn’t really get a grasp on what to do with the bangs.

“I like long bangs but I don’t do anything with them except pin them up.” she said.

I would point out lovely styles in the hair books and she would agree but also admit that she wouldn’t not do that with her hair. She like long bangs and likes how it looks on other women but hates having hair in her eyes.

“Well sounds like you’ve answered your own question. Short bangs it is.”

She didn’t seem to be happy with that idea actually seemed to be opposed to it but couldn’t really put her finger on why.

Once we got to the back and got her hair washed and the cutting began she really calmed down. There was a wonderful woman in the back getting her hair dyed and cut and she and I had a great conversation going while Tanya got her hair cut. Turns out her girlfriend is up in New York and she was missing her something bad. She told the girl that she wanted a man’s cut not a girl’s cut and that she came here every time because they do good men’s cut’s. I think this kind of unsettled Tanya a bit but it funny all the same.

Hair done, and we leave heading to the Barne’s & Nobel because I did kind of want to look at some books. She looks at her reflection in the store’s window and a huge grin spreads across her face.

“I’ve got bangs!” she smirked.

“Yeah you do and that cut looks great on you babe.”

We split up while shopping in the bookstore and I was browsing in my isle when in my peripheral I saw her. Turning towards it wasn’t a casual approach it was a determined fast paced close in. She walked right up to me only inches away from me and looked up at me with red tear filled eyes.

“I told you I didn’t want my bangs cut.” Kathleen said.

She had told me and I truly forgot.

“I told you.” each word spoken softly yet firm and in a disappointed tone. She blinked letting those tears fall across her cheeks.  I cupped her face in my hands and wiped the tears off with my thumbs.

“I’m so sorry Kathleen, I forgot.” I pulled her close to me and whispered into her ear “I just forgot.”

It was probably back 3 months ago that I heard that. She told me one night in bed right when Tanya first started talking about a hair cut. Kathleen hasn’t been surfacing much lately leaving the “air time” to Cubbie and Lulu mostly. I was heavily conflicted. On the one hand short bangs are what’s best for Tanya but how do you deny Kathleen who legitimately made this request? I was upset at myself for letting her down but simultaneously very happy to see Kathleen again after all it has been at least month or more and I miss the different alters when they take extended leaves. My brain instantly shot back to her hesitancy to get short bangs and I couldn’t help but think it was Kathleen now inside screaming “I DON’T WANT SHORT BANGS!”

“Did you come out just to tell me that?” I asked Kathleen.

A nod was all the response I got.

“I haven’t seen you in a long time. It’s nice to see you.”

I made the best of it. I took her out for a treat, we shared a small blizzard at Dairy Queen, then we did some shopping that we had been meaning to get done but all the alters have agoraphobia and time was running out so we headed back to the house.

It was an emotional roller coaster that day. I can’t say for sure what the best route to take is though. I mean with different people all wanting something different from one head of hair what course should I be encouraging? While writing this Tanya transitioned into Cubbie in fact and first thing she did was reach up and grab her bangs and poke out her lip. She didn’t say much and wasn’t ridden with heart break like last time and I wonder if it’s a case of she just figure “here we go again” or if that was Kathleen rallying the troops to her side of the cause.

Best I can come up with is the old cross each bridge as we come to it adage.  It’s worked out alright so far.

As you probably have picked up I am quite against using words that have any negative connotation in talking about DID or any mental condition really. I’ve already made mention in some post or another that I feel everyone has some level of mental condition but the severity is the key factor in what makes the difference. I approach the word “normal” just like that in quotation marks as to say someone is normal and some else is not, again is negative in nature because really, honestly and truly I believe every person on this face of this planet is fucked up in their own little way.

I look at Tanya lying in bed next to me right now, her laptop in her hands tooling about on Pinterest, grey tank top riding up a bit and grey biker shorts riding down and that beautiful milky white skin of her lower back and upper ass showing off to me. I look at her there knowing how attracted I am to this woman on every level, physically and mentally and I think to myself how can I call her anything but “normal?” It’s possible that there will be a thunder clap outside that startles her and then lying next to me in bed would be Cubbie most likely. I know this is a real possibility and it doesn’t upset me in the least. This may be odd for you to think about and you may wonder how I can be so alright with it but for it’s just my “normal” and I deal with it just like you would if your loved one had sleep apnea. If that were the case you would make sure they were strapped into their breathing machine every night. What about trips from home?  You would make sure that it gets packed away safe and sound to go on vacation too wouldn’t you? For me that’s not a “normal” approach but for you it would be because you care for and love that person and you will make sure they get the air they need each and every night.

Everything in life is about your perspective to it then isn’t it? I see so many other bloggers who have DID talking about being broken or shattered. The terms like those get tossed around so frequently and it breaks my heart. I’m not against anyone who has DID using any moniker they like if it helps them make progress towards the goals they have set for themselves. I just wish they could look at themselves and know they are not broken they are just different, the way they go about handling stress is different, vastly different in fact than how I for one handle it.

It’s not lost on me that I don’t have DID and therefore I don’t fully understand how it feels to live day in and day out wondering who is going to be in control of my body and what decisions are to be made. I get that. I simply can not have empathy  as I have never been in the first person but I do try and sympathize as I can see first hand the challenges this somewhat unique condition presents.

Perhaps it’s a not so much a matter of perspective and more akin to the idea of beauty being in the eye of the beholder. I behold this condition as something more than a deficiency as it seems to so readily be thought to be. It’s a beautiful aspect that allows a person like me to see deeper into my loved one than ever before. In her book All of Me: How I learned to Live with the Many Personalities Sharing My Body, Kim Nobel wrote a good bit about her daughter’s total acceptance of DID. Her daughter grew up playing with the younger alters and later in life found she missed the little ones when they stopped showing up. Her daughter has also been spoiled a bit on her birthdays as it’s not unlikely that many of the personalities each want to buy her presents. One parent is basically equating to multiple gifts! My point is DID is a very normal part of her life.

That’s what this part of Tanya and my journey is about. We are stopping with hiding it. We are embracing it and letting it be known that it is normal. We just may have a different definition of what normal looks like or what it sounds like. I never call her broken and never say that she needs to be fixed. She is simply different in her way and she is on a path of healing as she does in fact still have severe wounds from her years of abuse. She is not burdened or afflicted with DID.  She is gifted with the ability to deal with stress in a very cool and endlessly fascinating way. She is not faced with troubles by it instead she is challenged and we meet those head on as they crop up.

DID is not a life choice that someone makes for themselves that they then must work to rectify like addiction to heroine or even alcohol. Yet far too often the words used to describe those things are the same ones used in reference to DID. In my mind that should be changed. Healing in this needs to start with positive thinking and the easiest way to get there is to strip away the negative connotations and practice talking about it in a forward thinking manner. If you are not the beholder and can’t see the beauty for yourself then change your perspective on the issue. Redefine the meanings of the words for your own personal usage that helps you foster and grow a more confident thought process about DID.


I feel I got a good bit of the necessary history out of the way and can now begin to focus on our day to day life. Still lots to write about with the things we’ve been through over the years but there are daily occurrences that transpire that I feel like I want to blog about and now that I have the introductions of Kathleen and Cubbie taken care of there’s no reason not to do just that.

A common aspect to DID I am finding from my readings and living in close proximity to it is the development of phobias. It makes perfect sense to me as the development of DID in the first place is rooted in escape from fears. The brain finds it has this new ability and probably actively wants to take advantage of it. New fears could actually be unconsciously sought out by the brain or even the alters underneath who are looking for new ways to surface. The reason behind it does not matter, phobias crop up to those who have DID none the less.

Our new one is agoraphobia. My layman’s thoughts on this has always been a fear of leaving one’s home but that’s not really it at all. In fact as Tanya was developing this new fear over the last few months she emphatically denied that it was agoraphobia. I reasoned that she had a fear and no matter what the task at hand was she preferred to stay home than to leave the house. Therefore despite what the fear actually was the result was the same. Turns out I was right and wrong. Here let me give you a paragraph:

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives certain environments as dangerous or uncomfortable, often due to the environment’s vast openness or crowdedness. These situations include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, as well as uncontrollable social situations such as the possibility of being met in shopping malls, airports, and on bridges. Agoraphobia is defined within the DSM-IV TR as a subset of panic disorder, involving the fear of incurring a panic attack in those environments. In the DSM-5, however, Agoraphobia is classified as being separate to panic disorder. The sufferer may go to great lengths to avoid those situations, in severe cases becoming unable to leave their home or safe haven.

After the therapy session where I made the above reasoning to Tanya I went home and started doing some reading. As I read the above paragraph I was finding myself disappointed at first. It took literally to the last sentence for it to click with me. Agoraphobia therefore really is about panic attacks and attempting to avoid them. The end result just seems to manifest itself by a strong urge to “just stay home” instead of facing any of the situations that would cause the panic in the first place.

This new wrinkle started about three months ago and started slowly but escalated quickly. It went from simple not feeling like getting out to stubborn now way I could get her to leave for any reason. It was accompanied by some pretty amazing irrational fears akin to night terrors only they would thrust into her mind while she was wide awake. We brought this up with our counselor and he simply smiled and told us this was a good thing. It was healing. We were confused by this obviously as you may be as well but with a little explanation it all cleared up for me.

Tanya’s sexual abuse started when she was about 4 years old as far as we can tell. At that tender age a child is suppose to be equipping themselves developmentally to grow and function in this world and that’s not suppose to include being raped by a man who suppose to be one of your protectors. For the average child in a good environment this is the time in life when the brain is learning what is good and bad and what to love and fear. Tanya however was so bombarded with all the bullshit that goes along with this kind of abuse (fear, shame, guilt) that her little brain began to develop DID instead of normal irrational fears of things like the dark or monsters in the closet. See, your child will probably talk about being afraid of normal things and you will go to your child and turn the light and show them it’s all ok or open the closet door and prove there are no monsters there. This trains your child to understand that these fears are in fact irrational and nothing to be afraid of. Their brains develop this immunity to the fear and they grow up not being afraid. Tanya got afraid of something and disassociated so a new personality came out. In essence Tanya’s brain development got put on hold as she herself never had to deal with those situations. Now that she is in counseling and in the healing process her brain is now thirty plus years later picking up where it left off. As an adult now however she’s not just afraid of small things like the dark or monsters but instead her brain kicks into super high gear and thrusts such outrageous and hideous thoughts and images into her head.

As an example, she was gripped one day with an image of herself standing in a morgue. She was looking at me lying on the slab as she identified my lifeless body. The workers were trying to make her leave and she was insisting on staying with my body. This was while I was at work one day and she couldn’t get herself to leave the this imagery.  Again she was not asleep so it wasn’t merely a nightmare it was images that came to her mind and she could not free herself from these. We got her pretty quickly on some anxiety medication and thankfully I can report that it’s worked wonders for these kinds of fears but the agoraphobia persisted as strong as ever.

It’s not so bad I’ve been able to get to and from work on my own but the impact is still definitely noticeable on our family. Tanya is on disability and is a stay home girl. In addition to DID she also has had Scoliosis since she was nine years old and after her tenth birthday was going into surgery to have a harrington rod inserted into her back to fuse it and stop the progression of the curvature. All that aside one of the things she has always done for our household is to coupon aggressively and save us quite a bit of money in doing so. Now it’s not like that stupid Extreme Couponing show on TV where they ring up $1,500 worth of stuff and pay $1.27. First off we don’t have the room to store 500 boxes of toothpaste. We also don’t feel it’s fair to the rest of the shopping community to take all of the product on the shelf, that’s selfish and shameful in my opinion. Further there are problems with that show that are now beginning to surface about the legitimacy of their shopping sprees. All said however when she was in her routine of buying two Sunday paper’s a week and focusing on all the stores sales that week she was on average saving up about 60-65% on all our groceries and toiletries. She viewed at it as her job and honestly when you are saving that kind of money it really adds to the monthly budget quite nicely.

These past several months however she has no interest in shopping. Our food stores have dwindled quite a bit and as a result we are finding ourselves ordering delivery food or me stopping off at some restaurant and getting take out for more and more meals. She even mentioned me to me a week back that she realizes we are spending a lot more money lately just to eat so I know it impacting her mentally. For awhile there we were even canceling our appointments with the counselor if she could talk me into it as she didn’t want to go out. When I would make her the fear would overcome her so much she would transition and well, effectively get out of going anyway even if Kathleen or Cubbie still had to go. Last Monday was the first week in a month that Tanya herself made it to counseling. Besides that I have been averaging one trip a week out with her. I never wanted her to get to where she felt it was “OK” to stay home all the time every day. I applied this gentle pressure to keep her on track but even those trips tended to be quick trips with as little driving as possible.

At this time the only way to even get her to agree to get into a car and go anywhere is to allow her to get into the back seat and lie down so she can’t see the traffic. I bought Cubbie this pink fuzzy pillow, (one of those that you use to sit on the floor and lean against a couch with that has the little arms on it) to use in the back seat and now that’s the riding pillow. She climbs into the back and lies down before I can even start moving the car.

Through all of this I’ve tried to be supportive and understanding of her new found fears and I never mentioned coupons. I would buy her the papers on Sunday when she asked for them and most weeks they just went untouched. The last couple weeks however she has been really pulling the coupons, getting out her notebook and making her notes. Yesterday she asked specifically if we could go to a store and do some shopping. It was her idea! She brought it up and that was the first time in months for that. I can’t honestly say whether it’s been the meds she is on finally having enough time in her system to impact it or if it was guilt for not couponing but whatever it is I’m not complaining. Today we got up and made a total of four stops. CVS, Target, lunch at Texas Roadhouse and finally Wal-Green’s. All but lunch were stops where we were spending time in the stores finding the right products on sale and applying the right coupons. Every stop had us saving at least 50%.

She was still in the car though and there’s now way she’s at all interested in being behind the wheel at this point but it’s a step in the right direction. Maybe just a baby step but I’ll take it. Progression is a victory in my book any day.